Fear
"What the HELL am I doing??? I can't leave! How am I going to say goodbye to my family and my friends?? I have built up so much here!! What the HELL was I thinking?!? This is a huge mistake!!"*
"Ugh. I am soooo sick of [insert current location]. Nothing ever happens here. I need to get away!! I need to go after [insert motivation]. I have to do it now!!!"
Motivation
"Sigh. I love [insert dream location]. I have always wanted to live there. It is so exciting/fun/warm/beautiful. Whatever I do, there is a voice in the back of my mind whispering the place, reminding me that that is where I should be."
I watched The Notebook this weekend and cried my eyes out. Have you seen it? It's this romantic love story about a rich girl and a poor boy who fall in love. The story is read out loud by an old man to an old woman in a nursing home. The film stars Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams who won Best Kiss at the MTV Movie Awards that year, so it must be a good movie. I mean, they even kissed on stage and everything. South Carolina (where the movie was set) was so beautiful and the perfect backdrop for the movie.
The movie features a song Billie Holiday called 'I'll be seeing you'. The lyrics are a bit sad but I really like them. Maybe the song spoke to me since I was in sort of a meloncholy mood. I am so excited about moving to New York, but with new beginnings and come goodbyes and it will be hard closing the door on my five years here. What makes it easier is all the good energy I have been getting from all sides. Thank you so much to all of you who have written, every happy email and supportive line puts a smile on my face. My boss told everyone at work I was leaving while I was on vacation (boy were they shocked. Oops.), and again I got the same supportive and encouraging words from my colleagues. If only my mother would stop crying, but she has to one day. Now I just need to find a job. I know it will be okay, but I still get a bit panic-y whenever I go into Starbucks, wondering if that's where I'll be working in NY. Eh. I'll worry about that later. For now I'll get lost in Billie Holiday's voice for a bit instead.
I'll Be Seeing You By Billie Holiday
I'll be seeing you In all the old familiar places That this heart of mine embraces All day through.
In that small cafe; The park across the way; The children's carousel; The chestnut trees; The wishin' well.
I'll be seeing you In every lovely summer's day; In every thing that's light and gay. I'll always think of you that way.
I'll find you In the morning sun And when the night is new. I'll be looking at the moon, But I'll be seeing you.
I'll be seeing you In every lovely summer's day; In every thing that's light and gay. I'll always think of you that way.
I'll find you In the morning sun And when the night is new. I'll be looking at the moon, But I'll be seeing you.
I adore Mika. And no, not because he is adorable, but because he makes wonderful smart happy music that makes you want to dance and cheers you up instantly. I have to admit though, I was pretty confused at his concert last night. My feelings kept yoyoing from 'omg I want to adopt him' to 'omg I wanna marry him'. It was kind of freaky, but I still managed to have an excellent time. If you haven't heard his music yet, check out his hit single Grace Kelly:
Going to Mika's concert was the perfect end to the day I quit my job. I am finally moving to New York this summer and the day I told work happened to be the day of the gig. It felt like confirmation from the universe that I was on the right path. After a long monotone day at the office, I watched Mika dance, sing, laugh and smile. I watched him in his happy place at work and knew that, I too, want to find work which makes me that happy and live in a city which feels like home.
Love, Breens
P.S.
I included the Grace Kelly lyrics below, I thought some of you may be able to identify. Other Mika songs to check out are Love Today, Relax - Take It Easy and Happy Ending.
Grace Kelly by Mika
Do I attract you? Do I repulse you with my queasy smile? Am I too dirty? Am I too flirty? Do I like what you like?
I could be wholesome I could be loathsome I guess I'm a little bit shy Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me without making me try?
I try to be like Grace Kelly But all her looks were too sad So I tried a little Freddie I've gone identity mad!
I could be brown I could be blue I could be violet sky I could be hurtful I could be purple I could be anything you like Gotta be green Gotta be mean Gotta be everything more Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me? Why don't you walk out the door!
How can I help it How can I help it How can I help what you think? Hello my baby Hello my baby Putting my life on the brink Why don't you like me Why don't you like me Why don't you like yourself? Should I bend over? Should I look older just to be put on your shelf?
I try to be like Grace Kelly But all her looks were too sad So I tried a little Freddie I've gone identity mad!
I could be brown I could be blue I could be violet sky I could be hurtful I could be purple I could be anything you like Gotta be green Gotta be mean Gotta be everything more Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me? Why don't you walk out the door!
Say what you want to satisfy yourself But you only want what everybody else says you should want
I could be brown I could be blue I could be violet sky I could be hurtful I could be purple I could be anything you like Gotta be green Gotta be mean Gotta be everything more Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me? Why don't you walk out the door!
I recently went to see a Dan Flavin exhibition at the Pinakothek der Moderne in Munich. It's okay, I didn't know who he was either. Dan Flavin is an artist from the 60s who did fancy art with light. Or, as Wikipedia might say:
"Dan Flavin (April 1, 1933 – November 29, 1996) was an American minimalist sculptor who created sculptural objects and installations from commercially available fluorescent light fixtures. These works, which he called "icons", have been credited with helping to start the minimalist movement in 1963."
According to the brochure of the exhibition, when Dan Flavin was five years old, a friend of his father's would take him down to the East River in New York and teach him to draw. They would usually draw nature, but especially focus on the constant movement of the water. Throughout his whole life, Flavin was drawn to water. This reminded me of the end of Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse, where they would listen to the sounds of the river:
"Siddhartha seeks out the same content ferryman he met years before. The ferryman, who introduces himself as Vasudeva, radiates an inner peace that Siddhartha wishes to attain. Vasudeva says he himself has attained this sense of peace through many years of studying the river. Siddhartha expresses a desire to likewise learn from the river, and Vasudeva agrees to let Siddhartha live and work beside him. Siddhartha studies the river and begins to take from it a spiritual enlightenment unlike any he has ever known. While sitting by the river, he contemplates the unity of all life, and in the river’s voice he hears the word Om." (Source)
For some strange reason, I thought it would be okay to take photos at the exhibition. I have never been to a museum where you can take photos, so I don't know where this idea came from. Maybe because I saw someone else do it and he didn't get yelled at. And I figured flash doesn't ruin light. Anyhoo, here are some photos I managed to take before getting stopped by security.
“I came from Newcastle in the North of England. We used to have lots of parties where everyone got dressed up. And on one party invitation was the quote ‘she was never bored because she was never boring.’ The song is about growing up—the ideals that you have when you’re young and how they turn out.”
- The Pet Shop Boys
